so restless...

i think january is the worst. you step off the commotion that is nov/dec and fall into the absolute nothingness that is january. i remember longing for free weekends, a checked-off shopping list, time for telly...now i can't wait for something exciting to happen again.

i sit at my desk every day at work thinking about vacation destinations and things to shop for. san francisco keeps tugging at me for some reason...unfortunately i've never been. so i'm quite excited about the embarcadero, the eats, the golden gate, alcatraz, crooked streets, chinatown, ..the general scenery. as well as winery visits. i might be looking forward to winery visits the most actually.

ha. say i'm looking forward to these things as if i had plans to go. sometime this year....

i dont think i ever realized how much my perception of san fran was molded by hitchcock. and i think that mostly came from professor miller's films of hitchcock class. hitchcock's san fran is so shrouded by mystery and creepiness. the city i hear about and see photographs of seems so vibrant and pulsating with a different kind of life. is it funny that i watch movies now and i can still hear professor miller going, "did ya catch that?? HIGH ANGLE SHOT!" haha....it was the only real class i took in college where i felt enriched by going, where i never actually WANTED to miss class, where i got ONLY a's, where i listened to lectures. i know it's easy to to enjoy and do well in a class with such a dynamic professor who teaches MOVIES....but still. i think it's just a representative of the fact that it's really hard to excel when you don't give a rats ass. and some people really do give rats asses about physics and blood and math and civil rights. i really missed my calling in life.....i don't know why i ever thought i was b-school material. i know i'm all about practicality and when you grow up life is less about dreams and more about reality....but i'm going to teach my kids to ignore it. there are so many other things i was meant to do in life......i don't know why i kept telling myself that the things i enjoyed weren't real ways to make a living....billable hours, contract negotation, client emails....that is NOT a real LIFE.

being in front of a stage. music and dancing. food and wine. words and books and writers. compassion. passion. the desire to engage your mind and your heart in something.....

what a tangent i went off in...all i really wanted to say was that i needed a vacation...